Rybo’s Top 10 Ways to Get Facebook De-Friended

We all have them – those Facebook friends who just don’t seem to get it.  Whether it’s posting pictures of their drunken vomitting or sending you 50,000 Mafia Wars requests, we all know a guilty party.  With a little peer pressure and embarrassment, maybe we can get them to stop.

So without further ado, here are (in no particular order), the 10 best ways to get defriended (at least by me) on Facebook.

Checking in EVERYWHERE.

I honestly don’t mind the occasional check-in update from FourSquare or Gowalla.  However, when I log in and am greeted by every place you have visited in the last 3 days, we have a problem.

‘Sentences’ like: “m3 & g0D boUt 2 giT tIgHt liK3 cRediT cArD dWn $tRiPPa b00Ty”.

True story.  Really happened.  Honestly, though, we’re still friends because her statuses are so entertaining.

Tagging me in “which one of your friends this best describes” pictures.

I’m not a Pokemon.  I’m not an Amstel Lite.  I swear, the next person to tag me as an alcoholic beverage, cartoon character, or sex position gets blacklisted.

Posting garbage on my wall.

I treat my Facebook wall like I treat my car (I can stick whatever I want on it) and like you should treat my fireplace mantle – don’t post anything you wouldn’t want Grandma and the family to see when they come over.

This also applies to Mafia Wars, Farmville and Restaurant City requests.  It’s bad enough I have to deal with those stupid requests – don’t post that ish to my wall.

Excessive swearing.

I strongly believe there is a time for harsh words.  Dropping 10 F-bombs per status not only makes you sound like an internet 9th grader who just got his heart broken, but it drains you of any respect and credibility I may have once granted you.  Refer to previous item when contemplating this nonsense on my wall.

Religious Views:  “God.  2Pac.  Lil Wayne.”

We get it – you have no morals, you’re an internet thug, and you just made it to high school.  Stop being an idiot.  On a related note, I’d love to sit down and discuss how you can serve both God and Weezy F Baby at the same time.

Self-Taken Pictures.

There are a few reasons as to why anyone in their right mind would post dozens of self-taken mirror shots to Facebook.  Political correctness would restrict me from detailing any of these…but when have I ever adhered to that anyway?

  1. You are vain.  This applies to 90% of the shots.  If you have…um…assets and want to show them off, please do so in the privacy of your own home and not via a self-taken shot from above.  Don’t forget we can still make out your muffin top.
  2. You are trying to create an online identity.  The sad fact is that by taking a picture of yourself in a flat-brimmed hat holding stacks of money and a toy AK-47, you’re actually negating the very imaging you’re trying to put off.
  3. You’re in 7th grade.
  4. You’re in 8th grade.
  5. You’re in 9th grade.

Please keep in mind that one or two self-taken shots is OK.  However, if you have an album entitled “ME (t00 pRe$H! <3)” that contains 55 photos of yourself…it’s time to quit.

Druuuuuuuuunken picturessssssssssssssss.

Rule:  If you were too drunk to remember it, we don’t want to either.

Liking every page you see.

If a page’s title is a conversation or full-out thought, please do not clog up my wall.  You’re not as deep as you think you are.

Changing your name every 3 days (or having a ridiculously stupid middle name phrase).

I know “Swaggalicious” ain’t the middle name yo’ momma gave you.

*Honorable Mention:  Calling me an ape.

Yes, this has happened to me before.  Tip:  if you want to stay fake-Facebook friends with someone, don’t publicly refer to them “picking bugs out of [their] hair”.

As an afterthought, I’d like to say that I love writing posts like this for a few reasons. First, they don’t require too much thought, and the research/work done to publish is usually pretty entertaining. Also, these posts generally get the most traffic, and they look like they took a lot of effort (due to pictures or formatting, they’re usually a lot longer).

Lastly, I’m a pretty sarcastic and cynical person.  Posts like this, while they might not gain me much tech credibility, allow an outlet for that type of unhealthy thinking.

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